Focus on the Process, Not the People

Focus on the process, not the people.   This way of viewing your work, relationships, and way of life will allow you to be led astray by the feedback of others.  Ultimately, the goal is to have good relationships with people, or to positively impact them.  However, you want to focus on the process.  This will ensure you don’t go against what is needed to be done in order to appease people.  If you go against the process, then you’ll end up doing worse to the people that you want to impact.

Focus on the process

It’s counter intuitive.  I don’t mean you can’t have any focus on people.  But the process should be the primary focus, and the people should be secondary.  For example, if you have a relationship with a woman, you should focus on the process of the relationship, then focus on the girl.  You don’t want to place your focus on her before the process.  Because then you will act differently with different girls.  While there are slight adjustments to personalities and how you mesh, you should largely be who you are.

As you grow, you’ll develop yourself, and your process will become better.  Your process for setting terms for a relationship, for checking behaviors + keeping each other accountable, and your process for overall managing a relationship will evolve.  That’s fine.  The focus on the process doesn’t mean the process never changes or gets better.

Fatherhood example

If you have a relationship with your child, then fatherhood is a process.  If you have 3 children, each might be different in their own way.   And while you might do things differently depending on their dispositions, the overall process of fatherhood should be the same.  If your child does something that’s wrong, you need to tell them why it’s wrong and guide them back to the right path.  If you put them before the process of being a good father, you might let them get away with things they shouldn’t.  But if you really value their growth, and even if you value them more than the process of fatherhood, you must focus on the process of fatherhood and being a good father first.

Just like with your girlfriend or wife, you must focus on the process, not the girl.  Even if you care about her most than the process of the relationship, you must focus on the process first if you want the relationship to be the best it can be.

Why the process?

When you focus on the process, you’re focused on something that you can follow in a logical manner.  When you care about relationships, whether it be with women, your family, friends, or business, you can be emotionally attached to them.  And while this is normal, if you really care about the people in your life, you must allow yourself to interact with them in their best interest.  This means you must put the process before them, in order for them to get the best version of you.

The people can change, can betray you, or simply make mistakes.  After all, we’re all human.  But the process is the process.  You must master the process.  It’s the focus on the process, not the people , that allows you to get the best results.

Dedication to the process reveals the right people

Here’s a more in depth explanation when applied to a relationship

Focus on the process of the relationship before you focus on the individual

Let’s say you have a relationship with a girlfriend or wife.

Being focused on her causes you to force to want to make her happy.  Placing her happiness over the quality of the relationship means you’re sacrifice the relationship for her.  Betraying the process to put her ahead causes her to want to leave your life.  You won’t be able to manage the relationship effectively since you’re always focused on her.

Mistakes that should be avoided will be made by you.  Because you’re putting her over the process.  Focus on the process, not the people.  In this case, focus on the process of the relationship, not her.  If you focus on having a high quality relationship, you’ll force her to rise to your standards.  You’ll be able to guide her and keep both her and yourself accountable.  Therefore staying loyal to the process of the relationship will cause her to want to be loyal to you.

Women care about the process, and in this sense they are right

Many women don’t value you like you think they do.  They value relationships.  And in this sense, they have a part of the game down.

There are some women who are so obsessed with you that they instead value you over the process of the relationship.  While it’s good to have your woman in love with you, it’s best if you both value the process of the relationship.  Especially you.  She can put you as her number one.  Even then, she’s really addicted to the process of you, because if you were to change and act weak, her interest in you would drop.

But you must have your purpose as number one.  And then you can value the process of  the relationship.  In this way, you’ll be the rock that she wants you to be.  If you start to value her over the process of the relationship, you’ll act in ways that will cause her to lose respect for you.  Shortly after her love and attraction for you will fade.

But all of this can be avoided if you take this seriously.  Yes you can have love for your woman.  However, you must focus on the process first.  Meaning you act in accordance to what is best for the relationship you have, not out of your own desire to please her.

You must value the well being of yourself and of her before you value her happiness.  Yes, you can want the women in your life to be happy.  But well being must come first.  Well being is prioritized if you focus on the process, not the people.

Focus on the people causes a cloud in judgment 

Focusing on the people, in this case your woman, causes your judgment to be clouded.  You can lose sense of the process.  For example, let’s say you were trying to survive thousands of years ago.  You could have a wife / woman, 3 kids, two brothers, kids of their own, and parents.  There could be food that will last for a few days.

You’re enjoying time with your wife and kids.  But you and your brothers know that you must go hunting soon and get ahead while there’s still food.  As you go, your wife tries to convince you to stay in the village, relax, and spend time with her.

While she means no harm, you must put her temporary happiness aside, so you and your brothers can hunt and ensure that she, the other wives, kids, and your parents all have food for the next week to come.  While you have love for your wife, you are focused on the process of survival and doing what’s best for the relationship before doing what she wants.  Then once you have a successful hunt can you come home and enjoy time with her again.

The goal is to have the most impact on people, but you must focus on the process

Of course the people in your life are important.  In fact, life is much better when you have high quality relationships all around.  But if you really value others and having a positive impact, you must not let your judgment get clouded.  For their sake, and for the sake of your integrity, you must focus on the process, not the people.  Then the people in your life will get the best version of you, the version that’s a rock, that’s solid, and the version of you that will be able to guide them when they need you most.

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